Men and pregnancy loss: The often overlooked journey

When we talk about pregnancy loss, the focus is typically on the woman’s experience. Men often get left out of the picture, but it hits them hard, too. So many men struggle with feelings they can’t even name.

Understanding how pregnancy loss impacts men will bring awareness and guidance to those going through this type of loss.

The silent grief of pregnancy loss

For many men, the experience of pregnancy loss often comes with a sense of isolation and unacknowledged pain. Men often find themselves between a rock and a hard place — expected to be strong while dealing with their own heartbreak. This sometimes leads to men suppressing their grief to support their partners.

“When burying their grief, men often wrestle with feelings of helplessness, anger and sadness,” says Meagan Schneiderman, MD, and OB-GYN at Mount Nittany Health. “When a couple experiences pregnancy loss, it’s common for people to check in with the mom. Dads also often wrestle with feelings of helplessness, anger and sadness, but there may be less people inquiring about the dad’s emotional state as he navigates the loss.”

Navigating the emotional landscape

Now, let’s talk about what this grief looks like for men. Grief is different for everyone — even those who are experiencing the same loss. A man’s grief after pregnancy loss will often look very different than their partner’s. Common experiences include feeling anger, irritability, difficulty concentrating and withdrawal. Some men will keep busy seeking distraction through work or physical activities.

It’s important to recognize that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Men should be encouraged to express their emotions in ways that feel authentic to them. It’s okay for men to take a moment to feel the weight of what’s happened and let it sink in.

Supporting men through loss

Addressing the needs of men experiencing pregnancy loss requires a multifaceted approach. Healthcare providers, family and friends can play a role in supporting men by:

• Acknowledging their loss and pain: It’s important to recognize that men grieve, too. “I’m sorry for your loss” or “I understand this must be difficult for you” can validate their feelings and make them feel seen.
• Offering opportunities to talk about their feelings without judgment: Create safe spaces for men to express their emotions. This might look like asking them how they are doing and actively listening.
• Providing practical support: Grief can make everyday tasks feel overwhelming. Offer specific help. Say, “Can I mow the lawn for you?” instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything.”
• Recognizing grief doesn’t have a timeline: Continue to check in and offer ongoing support. Some days may be harder than others, especially around dates like the due date or the anniversary of the loss. Your continued support will be appreciated long after the initial shock of the loss has passed.
• Encouraging professional help if needed: If a man struggles to cope, gently suggest speaking with a grief counselor. Normalize that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
• Respecting the individual’s grief: Understand that men may grieve differently than their partners. Some may want to talk about their feelings, while others may prefer to process their grief in solitude. Respect these differences and avoid comparison.
• Acknowledging their role: Recognize the father’s role in the pregnancy and the loss. Using phrases like, “How are you both doing?” rather than just asking about the mother can help men feel included.

Keeping these things in mind will help create a more supportive environment for men experiencing pregnancy loss.

As we work towards a more inclusive understanding of pregnancy loss, it’s important to recognize and validate men’s experiences. By breaking the silence surrounding men’s grief, we can create a more supportive environment for all those affected by pregnancy loss.

If you’ve experienced pregnancy loss, learn about support groups that can help you navigate your loss.